I am so scared.

I am so scared. I am afraid for myself. It will not stop me from doing anything, but sharing my fear least with you may make it easier for me.
I am scared of losing my own humanity, facing the massacre and not doing enough to stop it. The main actions are not on twitter, or mingling in demonstrations. But still, everyday I ask myself- am I doing enough? What else can I do?
That is my greatest fear.
Than there's the horror I feel whenever I hear the reports, see photos, read analysis. That fear is an echo to the immediate life threat the Gaza people are facing. I can feel some of it. empathy serves as carrier of emotions.
Now, to the fear regarding myself & my own safety:
A-I am afraid that the shin bet can and will gain access to my medical records. I have PTSD and I use medication and survivor of abuse.
A lot of it can be used to smear me as a mad woman as it was done before. I talked to my therapist and she agreed with me this fear is very realistic.
B-I am afraid that my family will never speak to me again .They are not talking to me now and haven't talked to me for years as I declared myself an anti Zionist.  I am not privileged enough to give up their financial support.
C-I am afraid that because of my agenda, I will never get a job within the public system. ( I have been arrested several times during activism) and my occupation is within the welfare department.
D-I am afraid one day the fascists will realise their threat, attack us at home or during protests as they have threatened to do in the past for so many times.
E-I am afraid that my communication might be wired.
G-I am afraid of poverty as the cost of living is very high in Israel & employment rates are not soaring.
H-I am afraid that people I know will get hurt by the Palestinian resistance (happened in the past. People I knew & loved were killed by the resistance)

That is too much to cope with. It is making me very aggravated, edgy.And I need medicine against annexiety. I feel as if I was a collateral damage, that my own suffering vanishes within the magnitude of the massacre. Criticism from international activists hurts me alot, as they are not under our circumstances and stress . it doesn't matter anything I do. we continue resisting the occupation.


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